I’m not supposed to be here. This wasn’t the plan.
This time last week I was supposed to get on a plane to Canada. I’d had the farewell party, told my friends I wouldn’t be back until the end of the year. I was ready, set and raring to go.
And then everything changed.
So much so that I never caught that flight to Canada.
There are so many layers to this and a whole bigger back story to this than ‘there I was doing a downward dog and I suddenly realised I do love London after all so I decided to stay!’.
But I’m still processing it all myself, trying to piece it together, to understand how I slipped into what feels like the heart of me. Quite literally.
The only way I can find words to describe what it feels like is that it’s as if I just finally softened, opened up and slipped right into my core.
I stepped fully into me. Fully into my life.
I chose me.
Warts and all.
And in doing so I found my way home.
Literally.
Where there is nowhere to get to, no tension, no struggle.
I want to understand how I got here so that when I inevitably slip out of it, I’ll know how to find my way back.
How to find my way home.
And as I piece the picture together, connect the dots and strive to understand how I got here I will share it with you all.
But today what I want to share with you above all is how important it was that I did go to Canada. I don’t want people thinking I feel like that was a mistake. Just because something suddenly is no longer right for me doesn’t mean that it never was.
Just because I changed my mind and am not returning out there doesn’t undo the importance of the time I did spend out there and my gratitude to the people who made it an incredibly special time in my life.
Making that commitment to head out to Canada was the best thing I could have done for myself at that time.
Because in doing so I showed myself that I was willing to do whatever it took to make me happy. It was out of commitment to myself, to my wellbeing and happiness that I made that move. It was an act of love. There is nothing that says I love you like moving to the other side of the world so that I could be happy.And I did that.
For me.
I got to live in my own space, spend time with me, painting, reading, writing. I filled my home with the things I love.
I gave myself the space I needed to really hang out with me and heal that relationship with myself. I made a love nest for myself.
In addition to that I got to have two of my best friends, who I’d been missing for years, as my neighbours, I made new and wonderful friends. I was inspired as to the joys of a simple family life. Saw how much fun it can be. I hung out with healthy, happy couples that taught me what nourishing relationships are like. I lived in a landscape that inspired me and made my heart soar every time I stepped out of my front door.
It was pretty incredible.
My time in Canada was an absolute gift. The fact that I was willing to go to the other side of the world to make me happy. Well that is all the proof I need that I am on my side. That I have my back. That I can trust me to look after me.
And that is priceless.
My move to Canada was an essential part of my journey. And so too is leaving it behind.
Honestly. You just never know for sure where life will take you when you let yourself lead from the core.
I used to hate that phrase ‘we teach what we most need to learn’. But I’m starting to really get it.
More and more it’s happening that I get the sense that there is a gentle spirit in me, that is me, but a quiet, hidden part, that is teaching me and leading me to where I need to go.
One of the biggest lessons I learnt out in Goa, which was a full on life changer for me, was taught to me, unwittingly and unintentionally, by myself. Continue reading
Do what I did today – grab a cup of tea and give yourself the time to watch her two TED talks on vulnerability, shame and connection. Even if you’ve watched them before.
The Power of Vulnerability
Listening to Shame
They are the kind of videos that you can watch over and over and over again and get
“We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time” — T.S. Elliot… Continue reading
15 Responses to “The day I chose ME and found my way home…”
Are you sure you’ve made the right decision? I’m kinda picking up that this ‘Living in the Moment’ is rootless and like flotsam at the mercy of the tide but if it’s working and you truly feel you are in your place now and feeling the pull to be in London, go for it. Perhaps that’s just the reason for ‘Made in the Moment’ and you often have to go away from something in order to look back at it and want to be there again.
Well I’d say what I’m learning to do is root myself in ME. So while it looks rootless at this stage from the outside I think it’s laying the foundations to grow strong and steadily from once I’ve got used to really being rooted and grounded at the core rather than in another person or place. Am I sure I’ve made the right decision? Well, right now this decision is making me very happy so I’m not sure there is a measurement for ‘right’ but I think that would be a pretty good one : ) x S
Sometimes you just KNOW. And that’s all you need. There’s no way of explaining it, except that every other option feels a little off/ wrong. Loved this post Selina! Happy London living x
For those of us who know your heart and have seen your journey up close and personal this all makes sense. It’s like a great painting. Sometimes you will look at it and not get what all the fuss is about but then when you realise the layers, effort and intricacy of the painting it all makes sense.
I love how the whole process of returning to your core means living with absolute honestly and doing whatever needs to be done to fully express the person that you are and what you need out of life at each particular time. What also struck me about this is how often, because of the way we are taught, we want life to be all linear and mapped out so that we have a clear narrative of where we’re going and what we’ve achieved, and for me it was always so that it would sound good when I told people about it (these were almost always people who didn’t know me very well or care about me in any meaningful way!) – before I decided to do something I would often have an imaginary conversation in my head describing to others what I was doing or about to set out to do, and see whether it sounded responsible/acceptable/envy inducing. MADNESS! Now I am learning to listen to my own heart, show myself love by living as authentically as possible, and to accept these crazy curveballs as one of the joys of a true and adventurous life!
I for one am glad you in London now as I too have unexpectedly landed back here over the past couple of months! Look forward to some kind of juicy meet up that you are sure to have planned sometime soon
Much love, and thanks for your wonderful Tuesday emails, I truly relish sitting down with a cuppa and enjoying reading and being inspired by each one.
Oh Selina, what a beautiful journey of discovery you’re on. I celebrate you and love your authenticity and transparency. We can’t know until we move in a direction and listen for further instruction…and you did. You’re so amazing and such an inspiration!
Hello lovely!
I keep thinking about the nervous wee Selina in my living room in Buenos Aires all those years ago!! I’m so proud of you!!! Watching you and John on the videos the other day I thought “Wow! There’s something different about Selina..” Groundedness, togetherness, calm… (Sorry, reading that it sounds like a bit of a back handed compliment!!!!) Time for a catch up, missis!! It’s been too long! Aquelarre, cakes and ale!!! MIL BESOS, PRECIOSA!!!!
Are you sure you’ve made the right decision? I’m kinda picking up that this ‘Living in the Moment’ is rootless and like flotsam at the mercy of the tide but if it’s working and you truly feel you are in your place now and feeling the pull to be in London, go for it. Perhaps that’s just the reason for ‘Made in the Moment’ and you often have to go away from something in order to look back at it and want to be there again.
Well I’d say what I’m learning to do is root myself in ME. So while it looks rootless at this stage from the outside I think it’s laying the foundations to grow strong and steadily from once I’ve got used to really being rooted and grounded at the core rather than in another person or place. Am I sure I’ve made the right decision? Well, right now this decision is making me very happy so I’m not sure there is a measurement for ‘right’ but I think that would be a pretty good one : ) x S
I hear you. And lets face it. Canada ain’t going anywhere soon? It will be there should you wish to return.
Welcome Home Selina x
Sometimes you just KNOW. And that’s all you need. There’s no way of explaining it, except that every other option feels a little off/ wrong. Loved this post Selina! Happy London living x
now there’s a lady who’s been there! x S
Ohhhh yeah. I know this one very well! X
Ahh Selina, what a fantastic journey you are on. And what a wonderful heartfelt post. Thanks for sharing.
You know what came to mind straight away…after reading your post? The wonderful quote by T.S.Eliot:
“We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.”
Can’t wait to hear your next instalment.
Hugs,
Tara x
Oh wow, Tara – that just took my breath away – I’d never heard that quote. Phewf. THANK YOU x S
For those of us who know your heart and have seen your journey up close and personal this all makes sense. It’s like a great painting. Sometimes you will look at it and not get what all the fuss is about but then when you realise the layers, effort and intricacy of the painting it all makes sense.
Wherever you are hun, it’s home.
Chocolate hugs from your big bru
D
Welcome back Selina! I can’t wait to read the next instalment either. S x
I love how the whole process of returning to your core means living with absolute honestly and doing whatever needs to be done to fully express the person that you are and what you need out of life at each particular time. What also struck me about this is how often, because of the way we are taught, we want life to be all linear and mapped out so that we have a clear narrative of where we’re going and what we’ve achieved, and for me it was always so that it would sound good when I told people about it (these were almost always people who didn’t know me very well or care about me in any meaningful way!) – before I decided to do something I would often have an imaginary conversation in my head describing to others what I was doing or about to set out to do, and see whether it sounded responsible/acceptable/envy inducing. MADNESS! Now I am learning to listen to my own heart, show myself love by living as authentically as possible, and to accept these crazy curveballs as one of the joys of a true and adventurous life!
I for one am glad you in London now as I too have unexpectedly landed back here over the past couple of months! Look forward to some kind of juicy meet up that you are sure to have planned sometime soon
Much love, and thanks for your wonderful Tuesday emails, I truly relish sitting down with a cuppa and enjoying reading and being inspired by each one.
xX Megs
just love this post:::light as a feather
Oh Selina, what a beautiful journey of discovery you’re on. I celebrate you and love your authenticity and transparency. We can’t know until we move in a direction and listen for further instruction…and you did. You’re so amazing and such an inspiration!
Thank you for sharing you! I adore you!
Hello lovely!
I keep thinking about the nervous wee Selina in my living room in Buenos Aires all those years ago!! I’m so proud of you!!! Watching you and John on the videos the other day I thought “Wow! There’s something different about Selina..” Groundedness, togetherness, calm… (Sorry, reading that it sounds like a bit of a back handed compliment!!!!) Time for a catch up, missis!! It’s been too long! Aquelarre, cakes and ale!!! MIL BESOS, PRECIOSA!!!!